HISTORICALLY ACCURATE TRANSCRIPTION: POPE FRANCIS GOES TO CONFESSION
POPE FRANCIS: Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.
CONFESSOR: Go ahead, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: I met with Barack Obama.
CONFESSOR: That’s not a sin, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: Shit, I need to stop reading the Drudge Report!
POPE FRANCIS: I just said “shit” in the Vatican. That’s probably a sin.
CONFESSOR: Go ahead, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: I told Obama that I enrolled for Obamacare on healthcare.gov but I totally didn’t.
CONFESSOR: Neither did anybody else, Your Holiness. Is that all?
POPE FRANCIS: I watched “Spring Breakers”.
CONFESSOR: Well, that might not be appropriate for everybody, but I wouldn’t say that you committed a sin.
POPE FRANCIS: No, believe me, I committed a sin while watching “Spring Breakers”. I mean, Selena Gomez? Talk all you want about Justin Bieber’s dogshit music, but at least he got that right, you know? No disrespect, but I would totally…
CONFESSOR: Ummm…perhaps we should move on, Holy Father…
POPE FRANCIS: I just committed a sin in my mind — a brain sin.
CONFESSOR: Does it involve Selena Gomez?
POPE FRANCIS: No, I imagined punching your dumb face because you interrupted me while I was talking about Selena Gomez. Listen, I may be humble, but I’m still the fucking Pope.
CONFESSOR: My apologies, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: I just said “fuck” in the Vatican. I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.
CONFESSOR: You also accidentally said “fuck” while speaking from the balcony recently.
POPE FRANCIS: Yeah, it was a fucking ACCIDENT. Get over it. Oh, I’m REALLY SORRY that I made a mistake while speaking like 25 different languages. Do you realize how hard that is? I’m literally from the other side of the world.
CONFESSOR: An accidental sin is still a sin.
POPE FRANCIS: [Whispers] Come here..Listen closely…
CONFESSOR: [Whispers] Go ahead…
POPE FRANCIS: [Whispers] You’re talking to the Pope. Bishop of Rome. Supreme Pontiff. Vicar of Christ. The 266th Successor to Saint Peter. I’m the lineal successor to an Apostle. Do you want me to show you the Keys to Heaven? Because I’m the Keeper of them. They’re in my fanny pack. You don’t need to tell me what is or is not a sin. Accidents happen. And unless you want another “accident” to happen — you know, like Pope John Paul I’s sudden, “accidental” death — you’ll just listen and nod.
CONFESSOR: Understood, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: Fucking right it’s understood. Don’t make me get all Borgia or Medici up in this bitch.
CONFESSOR: Is that all?
POPE FRANCIS: I just called Saint Peter’s Basilica a “bitch”. That’s probably a sin. How many Hail Marys do I owe? Can I have a Swiss Guard pay you later?
CONFESSOR: You are forgiven, Your Holiness.
POPE FRANCIS: Hey, is there a bathroom inside there?
CONFESSOR: Goodbye, Holy Father.
POPE FRANCIS: [While walking away] Oh, I also totally know what happened to that Malaysian plane…it rhymes with “Balloon-minatti”. Robert Langdon knows what’s up. Can’t wait for Tom Hanks and Ron Howard to make a shitty movie about it…Hey, do you guys think Ratzinger had any “Wizards of Waverly Place” DVDs?